ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Randomize
