Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
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