life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
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