have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
