Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
