I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Randomize
