I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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