I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Randomize
