forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize