I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
