I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
