The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Randomize
