how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
