My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Randomize
