I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
Just cropdusted the office
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
