I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
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