need another drink. this is the easiest way
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
