Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
