I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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