We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
My ATM looks so different sober.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
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