Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
