Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
