dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
your room smells of hookers.
And success
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Randomize