Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize