I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Randomize
