When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
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