even my farts smell like vagina
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
