Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
