Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Randomize
