1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
I think i peed on brittanys purse
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Randomize
