Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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