My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
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