My liver just broke up with me...
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
