question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
