I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
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