somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
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