Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
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