Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Randomize
