I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
