I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
