I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
