I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
Randomize
