I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
