theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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