I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
