Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize