I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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