Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
