And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
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