I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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