so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
Soap is not a condiment
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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