so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
