I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
