I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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