For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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