i was born a porn star she said
He uses pillows to masturbate.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
